Pensons at The Netherwood Estate

Lunch for two

July 14 2022

Here again after our lunch in October 2021. I’ll be brutal. That meal was not up to the standard of this one. Ah, no, don’t misunderstand me. My glowing review of our first meal still stands. It’s just that, taking both subjective and reasonably educated opinions into account, the Pensons team appears to have further considered the boundaries of hospitality and smashed it out of the park where the delivery of great food and service is concerned. Some of you will have already discarded me on the grounds of those mixed cricket and baseball metaphors. Still resolute enough to have my more detailed lowdown? Read on.

I ended my previous review with mention of the bread. Let’s kick off with it this time.

The small, perfectly formed ‘Signature Loaf’ generates two immediate responses beyond simple appreciation of what a truly splendid thing it is. Polite coughing with occasional instances of mild choking is induced by any unwary intake of the toasted flour topping. And those who have failed to protect clothing with suitably placed napkins are left with traces of a fine powder which is easily mistaken for evidence of a recent toilet visit involving hard drugs.
A generous, if reluctant desire to fairly share out the yeast butter should help to focus back on this accomplished and honest offering. It is the first example of a string of menu items which are confidently delivered - all having been refined to a point where improvement is hard to imagine.

The website menus are liable to change according to Chef’s sympathetic reactions to available ingredients but this is the exact lunch menu we were offered on the day. We each chose the same starter, main and dessert.

The wine list is perfectly fine. Its prime attraction is its concise coverage of all major bases needed to complement the food on offer and to broadly satisfy the majority of styles with which guests are familiar. Our Rhone white from Tardieu-Laurent injected a nice addition to our drinking experiences with its show of restrained flavour profiles. The fact that they lingered for so long in the mouth was testament to the winemaker’s care.
Current sommelier, Jade*, has plentiful knowledge to give suggestion and inspiration if you find yourself floundering.
*Yes, Jade - it turns out I am a bit of a silly bugger. My attempt to correct the appelation of your Mabileau wine was based on confused memories of our visit to the vineyard over a decade ago. I was oh-so close but oh-so wrong. My public apologies to you!

Starter

My dining partner has been alongside me for a number of years which approach biblical proportion. Let’s just say well over forty days and forty nights. For positional accuracy, this particular day saw Mrs Cheoff opposite me. Which meant that I had the perfect view of her reaction to our carrot starter. Meg Ryan was faking it at Katz's Delicatessen. My wife managed quietly but insistently to convey a similar message during and after the eating of this ‘spiced carrot’. Quiet and insistent but, in this instance, totally and unmistakably genuine.
A cheeky request for the recipe was met without fuss. I will enjoy interpreting chef’s ideas in my own kitchen but I know that for the real deal of perfect expression a return visit must be arranged.

Main

Our starter gave a nod to Middle Eastern flavours. The fish headed west and beached on the coastline of any southern French port or resort, big or small. We are in the midst of a heatwave as I write this. In the cool of the restaurant the kitchen grabbed hold of the Mediterranean and arranged its iconic flavours in a superb dish. Alchemists in the kitchen brought sunshine to our table with this course.
Fruity, soft, garlicky tomatoes and charred aubergine. Olive oil lightening the hollandaise. Even in the absence of butter this was still a gloriously rich dish. A perfect balance came from acidic tomato juice and peppery but bright watercress.

It seems almost silly to add that the bream was beautifully cooked.

Dessert

Cherries, chocolate custard, almond crumb, cherry sorbet, muscovado tuile and a dusting of sour cherry powder. This had been on the menu for just two days - praise the stars we hadn’t booked earlier!
Black Forest gâteau without the cream and booze? Maybe so. A dessert to provide a fitting conclusion to previous excellence? Definitely so.

Eton Mess - well, half-eaten mess!

We were given a viewing of the compact and attractive suites which are available on site. Well worth considering for the fuller evening menu and an overnight stay. Before leaving we headed for the inspiring kitchen garden which we had stupidly missed the previous October.

And before leaving here, I must repeat our heartfelt thanks to all the teams at Pensons and the whole Netherwood Estate. It was reassuring to see familiar faces and delightful to see how new ones have fitted seamlessly into the mix. You are all helping to create what is a brilliant cut gem of hospitality.

Below is my modified review for Tripadvisor

Northcote Autumn Gourmet Box - Part Three: Meal Two

That flash of intelligence and creativity in Chef Lisa Goodwin-Allen’s eyes starts off this final account of the food which she and her brigade were able to provide through their Northcote at Home Gourmet Box.

Here is a reminder of the menu I devised for our second night’s dining. The Lancashire kitchen’s dishes in blue along with my additions in black and grey (wines).

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Wines suited very well but you should follow your own preferences. I enjoy wine - but I have finally stopped enjoying telling people what they should or shouldn’t be drinking.

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The light and flavoursome cheese bread was once again ready to fill any empty corners.

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Northcote Cheese Loaf, Butter

For the additional starter needed to extend the dishes over two nights I pulled together a few recent ideas and ‘home mades’ for a fish, vegetable and fruit mix.
Green elderberries had been pickled a few weeks before. Our Sorrel Ice Cream needed finishing and my spiced bread is nearly always in our store cupboard. I made a little elderberry gel and topped things off with a white balsamic tuile.
Mrs Cheoff was not too keen on the sea trout pâté but it all worked for me. Light enough overall to draw back from some of the richer elements.

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Sea Trout, Almond, Sorrel Ice Cream, Spiced Bread, Pickled Green Elderberries

I’d seen the ‘Leg Bolognese’ referenced in the Northcote restaurant menu before its Covid closure. I’d still like the recipe to make at home but a first taste from the experts was a fine introduction.
This was everything you might want when seeing the description. Fully formed and deeply satisfying courtesy of professional masters. I reckon you could manage a homemade version after months of practice or just cheat with a shortcut involving an intensive course of steroidal flavour injections.
I added broccoli and our broad beans to the poultry and potatoes.

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Roast Chicken, Truffle & Brioche Stuffed, Leg Bolognese, Wild Mushrooms, Lyonnaise Potato

Dessert had arrived a little cracked from the journey and would not have been let into the restaurant. No such considerations for us. We simply saw more opportunity for tasty indulgence. The juices of the apple mousse centre cut through the sweetness but they had also made the base a little soggy. Crunch came from the chocolate shell and saltiness in the sauce encouraged taste buds to explore further. A Goodwin-Allen dessert presented in the restaurant is a clever, pretty thing but it is always flavour driven.
Forget our ‘at home’ appearance - this was a lovely pudding.

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Orchard Apple “Cheesecake”, Salted Caramel Sauce

Coffee beans at ‘Cheoff Towers’ have been from Hasbean for decades now.
I wouldn’t dream of pairing petits fours with anyone else’s roasted efforts.

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Coffee
El Salvador Finca Argentina Natural Bourbon

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Petits Fours - from home and away. Detailed in the menu above.

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There. ‘Northcote At Home’ all done
.
.
.
until our next order!

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Northcote Autumn Gourmet Box - Part Two: Meal One

As explained in my introductory post we dealt with the meal box over two nights.
The first evening’s eating was planned (and eaten!) as below.
Professional guys in the Blue Corner, me trying to punch above my weight in the Black Corner.

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Here is a link to the preparation, cooking and serving instructions for the dishes supplied.

Lovely wines for this food. The Madeira was a great recommendation which I stuck to. It was paired with the celeriac consommé. A mildly surprising suggestion which turned into one of those ‘Cor blimey, that really works!’ moments.

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It should go without saying that the bread was first class - but I insist on saying just that.

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Northcote Cheese Loaf, Butter

When a plastic pouch of cold liquid is first opened it really should not smell so incredibly enticing. When heated, the consommé fulfilled all that promise with a few extra knobs attached. Truly luxurious with as much umami as a meat course. I forgot to dot olive oil on the surface and completely ruined the photoshoot for this one. I couldn’t give a fig - but I could do with another bowl of this celeriac silk very soon.

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Caramelised Celeriac Consommé, Tiny Raviolis, Celeriac Pearls, Tarragon

The cod is pictured as starter.
I had ordered more cod from my fishy food hero, Dean, and made this into our main course.
Rich, seductive flavours here but not too much to distract from great quality fish.

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North Sea Cod, Curry, Pomegranate, Almond & Coriander

For dessert I prepared my latest iteration of a recipe from one of Lisa Goodwin-Allen’s mentors. David Everitt-Matthias has played his part in much that is excellent in British cooking today.
I added a baton of spiced pain perdu, some crab apple gel and cubes of crab apple jelly. Granola under the sorbet and crystallised, crushed rose petals top the parfait.
You can see an album of this dessert and my previous attempts here.

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Crab Apple Parfait, Green Apple and Haw Sorbet

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After Eight, Smoked Toffee, Ferrero Rocher - Northcote’s chocolate selection

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Coffee - Guatemala El Limon Natural Caturra
Petits fours reinforcements from me.

The quality of ingredients and the cooking already done in the Northcote kitchens made this a memorable meal. Those efforts make it relatively easy to do each dish justice in your own home. I thank all involved for giving us such pleasure through food. The huge element missing was an attentive and accomplished front of house team. There are much more pressing concerns to address at present but what a treat it will be to enjoy genuine hospitality again in ‘peace time’.

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Northcote Autumn Gourmet Box - Part One: Arrival

The Covid pandemic has given us all unwanted threats and challenges. I don’t go so far as to suggest that hospitality is run by key workers but it is certain that they provide a key element in so many people’s lives. An element which has been compromised for months by restrictions and closure.

Professional kitchens have devised many successful strategies to offer an adapted service. When Northcote began to advertise their boxed meals it was not long before we dipped in.

Below you see the official written and photographic details of a wonderful menu devised by Executive Chef, Lisa Goodwin-Allen - perhaps allowing for a little input from her brigade! Covid-19 has reduced our opportunities to enjoy such lovely food at Northcote and so many other venues. This was a great opportunity to make up for that in a small way.

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We decided to spread the contents of the box over two evenings by juggling in the cod starter as a main and creating a new fishy starter. I cooked an extra ‘tried and trusted’ dessert, ready to make an appearance.

Here are the two menus we planned and enjoyed so much. Northcote dishes are in blue with my efforts in a respectful and thoughtful black.

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Before delivery I phoned and emailed Northcote with a few questions about the food itself and the suggested wine pairings which could be bought from their regular and rather wonderful merchants in Skipton - The Wright Wine Company.

‘Second hand’ messages from Chef Lisa helped us to increase quantities for the cod dish and raise it from starter to main. Much useful written advice from Craig Bancroft (officially Managing Director but essentially he is all over goings-on at Langho like a very welcome rash!) on wine alternatives reassured us that we already had enough in our racks to fit the bill. All except for a Portuguese white and the interesting pairing for the consommé. Both of those were sourced from The Wine Society as we had left it too late to order from Skipton.

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On arrival our box induced an intake of breath which was only fully expelled after we found no real damage from the seriously dented top.

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All present and correct with a few ‘flesh wounds’ which would do nothing to impair the flavour of our treat.

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Our delivery driver three-point turned and passed back down the road to exit. We surveyed what he had left and refined and consolidated our plans to prepare meals for that evening and the next.

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Separate posts for each meal will follow - to give you more time to digest things.

Meal One here

Meal Two here

Footnote
In early 2021 Northcote offered around 250 boxes for their February Gourmet Box. These sold out in about 30 minutes. We failed to secure one but will try again next time.

Here is Northcote’s reasoned explanation of the situation. I’ve generously - stupidly!? - made a link in the image below so that you too can join in with the battle for future Northcote bounty.

It is a prize worth fighting for!

The Glorious Fifteenth

The 15th of August, commonly celebrated as the Glorious Fifteenth, marks the start of another year in the history of one of the world’s finest restaurants.

I wrote here about this iconic date in 2017 when David and Helen Everitt-Matthias marked thirty years since they had opened. So today sees them complete thirty-three years of presenting incomparable cooking and hospitality.*

* If you challenge my assessment I will be available on Hampstead Heath duelling ground accompanied by my second on the morning following your contemptible offence.

This is a personal statement which repeats feelings I’ve held for a long time. But I do know that its sentiments are shared by a vast number of hospitality professionals, present and past, who are much more qualified and equipped to comment on such things than an enthusiastic amateur like me.

David and Helen’s endeavour and passion have created a wonderful experience which continues to offer so many things to so many people. As a paying guest I have enjoyed a small part of what they do. The excitement before a visit and the memory of it leave strong and deep impressions.

I imagine David has papers - jottings, notes and sketches - which record his cooking explorations. If so, they will be the culinary equivalent of Leonardo da Vinci’s notebooks. We certainly have his published cookbooks to give us generous insight and encouragement on which to model success in our own kitchens.

‘Front of House Perfection’ authored by Helen? It’s a nice idea. But I doubt written instructions could ever substitute for being in close contact with the rare talents and human warmth which Helen models.

There is a point where finances - or the lack of them - restrict the chances to enjoy more developed restaurant experiences. Most cannot visit such places regularly. Including us. But our privilege is to be able to book occasionally. And on those occasional visits we benefit from the history which David and Helen have written for themselves and their guests. Which, in turn, makes those visits incredibly rich and satisfying. It is worth mentioning that anyone planning a ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ treat at Le Champignon Sauvage will need to save for a comparatively short time due to very generous pricing.

Covid-19 concerns continue to cast their shadow. But how heartening it was to hear in June that this particular landmark destination survives in Cheltenham. Anyone who enjoys being looked after superbly well while eating food cooked by a world-class chef must be grateful. Something so consistently close to perfection is a rare thing.
Let’s not just offer them our huge congratulations. Much of David and Helen’s motivation is deep and personal but ultimately they cook for us. A visit is really the best way to say thank you for their grand achievement. Our booking - and our thanks - are never too far away.

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June Lunch at Gravetye

Gravetye Manor – Friday 28 June 2019

We celebrated my Mum’s 89th with lunch at Gravetye a little over two years ago. Mrs Cheoff and I have since experienced Gastronomic Gravetye on my birthday. In between those two events I spent one glorious day pretending to help in the kitchens and I had an equally magnificent invitation to a rare George Blogg ‘Masterclass’.

We decided that our latest visit would be a repeat of the first - except that it would be a lunch taken in the flush of summer.

“Quintessential country house hotel, Michelin-starred dining and world renowned garden.”

The Gravetye Twitter bio sums it up really. Your interest has been piqued and you just need to book now. No need for me to elaborate, eh.

Strap in - you know I don’t give up that easily!

Arrival

A now familiar drive saw us crunch safely onto the gravel of what is surely the most welcoming of Sussex car parks. Only the embarrassing offer of valet parking to negotiate. I handed over the keys with a large grimace and offered the guilty admission that I had washed the bodywork but neglected the interior valeting before setting off.

How Do Their Gardens Grow?

Best to work up an appetite for lunch with a stroll outside. Any season at Gravetye demands this. Our day needed nothing but light attire. English summer means English summer here. Instructions for the easiest way to the elevated walled vegetable garden were followed and we were soon walking through its gates and exploring row upon row of vegetable, fruit and flower bounty.

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The prospect of seeing so much of that produce appear in the dishes on our lunchtime menu was a glorious one. The kitchen here constantly take the freshest of ingredients and the finest inspiration from produce just outside their back door

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Down to the croquet lawn. A smooth, manicured, controlled surface edged by wilder, longer grasses, complete with shy spikes of dainty pink common spotted-orchids. There are combinations and contrasts which challenge and excite everywhere in the Gravetye garden.

And, as we sat for a while in shade, Head Gardener Tom Coward brought a group from London College of Garden Design onto the green court to describe and explain elements of the William Robinson legacy which he and the garden team protect and develop with such skill and care.

Below Tom informs and entertains with his lovely quiet authority during one of the ‘Garden Tours’ which you may book here.

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Snippets of his wisdom drifted across to us but we were less inclined to learn scientific names and continued down to the flower garden to bask in its displays through a mixture of our senses and wordless, wondering thoughts.

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Beyond the south wall the meadow slopes down to the lake below. We walked to look over and take in yet another example of what happens when deliberate human interference and control goes only so far and then leaves nature to take over.

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Many guests were scattered around the gardens taking refreshment. Passing by one particular couple we recognised Marcus and Jane Wareing who both once worked at Gravetye. Recognised only. We quietly moved on and left them to the less obtrusive and much more appropriate attentions of Gravetye staff. Besides, those attentions had already begun to be given to us in equal measure. Every guest is awarded a star here.

From the Weekend Telegraph, December 2017

Apéritifs

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Just to the right before the opening into the Little Garden is a nook set out with bench and chairs and sheltered by that large-leaved tree. If only we had lingered with Tom Coward I could tell you its common and Latin name. Never mind.

We settled there and were soon ordering our first drinks. A repeat of the Ridgeview Estate ‘Bloomsbury’ fizz enjoyed on our first visit for Mum’s birthday lunch. A non-alcoholic ‘Sour’ for me as I was driving. Simple but seductively oily and herby olives along with smoked almonds all helped to prepare our taste buds for the complexity of the main menu. We made our choices and were gently led to our table in one of Britain’s most stunning dining rooms. If you relish great design, architecture, build quality, decorative arts and the sympathetic use of ceramics, wood and fabric you may well have to slow down service in order to linger on the feast of visual delight which has surrounded diners since the new restaurant opened in May 2018.

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Ready to lunch

Food

Food? The food was wonderful. And that is where I’ll end comment on it here. It was complicated and accomplished enough to deserve another post of its own. Too much distraction all at once would divert me from my main thrust here - the quality of people who make up the Gravetye family.

Family

I cannot reference every member of the team who make up that family. There is a natural flux as individuals gain experience and decide to develop and grow elsewhere. Some are regular features (hello, Brian!). But five visits have confirmed to me that everyone responsible for our experiences presents with polished professionalism and a very real desire to do something thoughtful and generous for each guest.

I do try to avoid ‘favourites’ so all I’m doing next is to pick out two people who insist on being acknowledged. They are at the very top of their profession and Gravetye is daily enriched by their presence. Of course they do not, cannot, attend to every guest’s needs. But they, and other key members of the team, lead by such an example that everyone is in tune with the inspiration through excellence which they example.

Managing Director

‘Managing Director’. I suppose those two words suffice as a convenient job description for Andrew Thomason. He certainly manages and directs. But that can’t begin to encompass all he does. At some stage you will be looked after by him personally or ‘second-hand’ by someone he has prompted or trained effectively to be a chip off his not-yet-all-that-old block. His attention to detail spreads from a hand-written greeting for guests who have booked rooms to the quick remembering that a jacket in the cloakroom is ready for collection and not for forgetting. It is quite possible that he does not recall absolutely everything about you from any previous visits but I would not discount that. At any rate, he makes easy and immediate connections which confirm your small but very significant membership of the ‘Gravetye Family’.

Gravetye is inescapably a commercial enterprise and Andrew must have to be a hard-nosed businessman at times. I imagine he delivers even that aspect with the softest of touches. He appears to have a rare desire to care for the wellbeing and comfort of everyone he meets. Even his customary sharp tailoring cannot hide the gentle man beneath.

Executive Chef

George Blogg (left) supporting Matt Worswick as he accepts a Michelin star for the Latymer Restaurant team. David Everitt-Matthias looks on with huge admiration and totally justified pride. A favourite picture.

The kitchen have their Michelin star which is awarded for the quality of food alone. That star arrived soon after George Blogg became Head Chef. His present title confirms a step back from constant control. But, having himself been mentored by hugely intelligent and talented chefs, George has now trained and instilled a team with the confidence to express and interpret his thoughts about food and to continue to do justice to the produce of the Gravetye gardens. A recipient of the Matt Campbell Extra Mile Award, he continues to help young chefs to develop their careers in the industry’s other kitchens.

On this day our gooseberry soufflés were delayed by the arrival of an unexpected pre-dessert. After a quick double-take we realised that George Blogg was serving them to us! We managed to discuss the merits of ruby chocolate, the rigours of chef competitions and balancing time for the rewards of a life bringing up a family with those of a fulfilling but oh-so-demanding profession.

Our conversation was all but silenced by the realisation that someone else was being served their soufflés. We watched as, with an admirable degree of calm, Commis Pastry Chef, Henry, delivered his work to Marcus and Jane Wareing’s table. We earwigged for the review from a rather well-qualified judge - “I hope this is on the menu again next year for my 50th birthday!”

Soon, tasting our own gooseberry soufflé with ginger ice cream, we readily agreed that Chef Wareing’s appreciation had been spot on.

George had left us by then. His visit was such a kind gesture to our table. Mum, already delighted by her experience, was now utterly enchanted.

You will certainly leave wrapped in the richness of your experience. Whatever the season all those generous human qualities which create perfect hospitality are beautifully interwoven at Gravetye with a centuries-old history and the wild and the tamed nature of the surrounding garden and landscape. With so much on offer, you could also leave wondering if you might have overlooked and completely missed something in your stay. What a perfect reason to return.

Soon.

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Tossers Everywhere

Jay Rayner always seems good value for money to me. Not that I’ve ever parted with cash to see him or listen to him. Doing either or both of those is still a perfect possibility as I am often tempted by his tours of the ‘Ten (food) Commandments’, 'Dining Hell' and his concerts with the Jay Rayner Quartet.

Lots of other opportunities to enjoy his critiques and food journalism, of course, with radio, TV and newspapers providing regular relatively free access.

I never tire of his flagrant self-promotion on Twitter but I do rather prefer his occasional barbed posts revealing a grumble and a gripe which usually merits a follow-up. Here is the latest Rayner Rant to catch my eye.

Not too much response came on that one. A nipple-twister was mentioned and, naturally, someone wanted them to be outed. No-one gainsaid the Burton-Race condemnation. I decided to delve a little. Some would find strong elements of ‘tosser’ in a chap who has given up on two marriages and goodness knows how many children. But I’m sure Jay Rayner bases his censure on more than criticism of an individual’s private life and opinions.* “There but for the grace of any god who doesn’t exist...” as Mr Rayner and I would say. And since we agree on that one, I obviously had to discover a different angle.
* Well, maybe not

A visit to the Burton-Race restaurant website disappointingly gave me immediate results.

“This is a restaurant where you can enjoy Michelin-starred cuisine at the highest standard while feeling completely at ease.”

Now I am as guilty of exaggeration as the next sixty-six year-old adonis who hasn’t yet traded in his stud card for a free travel pass. But the choice of words which greeted the casual enquirer after Torquay tucker didn’t so much stretch a point as lay out a lie and say, “Go on, challenge that if you dare.”

I dared to challenge…. and found so little resistance that all was resolved and returned to a semblance of honesty within twenty-four hours.

A shot across the bow

The dull thud of clarification

Before and After

In those twenty-four hours the restaurant gave up at least one Michelin star which it had never been awarded. Misrepresentation could have come from an over-zealous employee but I know that a talented chef wouldn’t dream of being so out of control of his business. Therefore, I conclude that John Burton-Race merits the tosser tag. He shall retain it until such reasonable time has elapsed in which he shows signs of continuing to do much better.

Since my intervention the website has had a bit of further review and the content is, apart from a few grammatical errors, in much better shape. No suggestion that Chef Burton-Race is necessarily cooking for you – but I’m sure he has had input which will add interest to your dining… tinged as it will be by elements of tosser.

‘Tossers Everywhere’ demands more than one tosser. I’ll do my best to reveal some others. This will continue to focus on restaurants and chefs. So I feel compelled to add at this point that I spend a huge amount of time verbally defending the wonderful, harsh, often dangerously teetering hospitality industry and I continue to willingly pay out around 20% in gratuities to the vast majority of establishments who prove so often to be utterly magnificent.

The tossers I identify next are intimately connected to that magnificent world. Like me, they visit it as paying customers. Specifically, in my region, they pay to eat at ‘Winteringham Fields’. And a lot of those are honorary tossers since they insist on believing that they are dining at a Michelin-starred restaurant. I must point out that the restaurant does nothing to overtly encourage them in that respect. The area has no Michelin stars. Even a Bib Gourmand escapes ‘The Fields’. Colin McGurran’s team certainly get their knife and fork icons highlighted in red. This means that they are good enough to be under consideration for an upgrade. Which is why I am disappointed by the regular reports from so many whose understanding is that they have paid for and enjoyed Michelin-starred cuisine at the Winteringham venue. Two Michelin stars disappeared along with Swiss chef, Germain Schwab, fifteen years ago. Ignorance is bliss, I guess. And since I’ve never personally corrected anyone I am guilty of helping to perpetuate that ignorance... maybe with misplaced kindness. I know that staff there at present have the capacity for stuffiness which extends to rude disdain for diners. The restaurant featured on a Gordon Ramsay TV venture some years ago and he was quick to identify the fact that customers were oppressed by over-zealous and fawning servers. Subsequent snippets of Chef McGurran on GBM only suggest that he leads by example. I’m not encouraged to conduct a costly test of my strong suspicion that tossers abound in the kitchen and around the tables in the Scunthorpe countryside.

Having mentioned the Ramsay name I might as well confirm that he hovers over all in my pantheon of culinary tossers. His “Idiot Sandwich” may be a spoof video made in support of charity but it reflects far too closely the way in which he chooses to present himself. It is such a vile image that I allow it to take precedence over any of his stunning accomplishments in cooking. I made a pineapple dessert from his sumptuous ‘*** CHEF’ volume ten years ago. I’ve never felt seriously inclined to reference the book since.

Allow me to introduce the tosser who came to my mind as soon as Mr Rayner got this whole party started. All the way back to late 2013. Lurpak UK’s Facebook page had attracted my attention and I was getting notifications of new posts. I don’t remember exactly what prompted me to try out the ‘Search Google for Image’ facility but it opened up a can of worms… a can of tossers, I suppose. After emailing about thirty mainly North American food bloggers I received confirmation from just about all of them that their photographic work had been appropriated and used without permission by the Lurpak page. It was pretty much open season as far as they were concerned. Even Jamie Oliver’s food stylist and photographer was not spared.

Emails from Lurpak explaining their behaviour as an “oversight” were pretty much laughable. Is it an oversight to deliberately crop out the watermark of someone’s work? Amber Parkin assured me that “… we will endeavour to be more discerning in our image choices and review our sign off process.”

I found out that this cavalier (that’s another word for acting like a tosser) behaviour was overseen by ‘Outside Line’, a digital agency which had already been acquired by Saatchi and Saatchi but was still run by co-founder Ant Cauchi. Incidentally, I was pretty disgusted to discover that they also handled Andy Murray’s digital marketing at the time.

Eventually I was contacted from the very top of the tosser totem pole… by Mr Ant Cauchi himself. His offer of a face to face meeting at which he wanted to explain “… how we work with partners and media owners.” was dripping with enough slime for me to discard it immediately. A simple admission that he promoted an environment where people are encouraged to steal intellectual property was obviously beyond him.

By early 2014 the Lurpak site was unrecognisable. A wholesale review of practice had transformed their Facebook posts. The page was awash with credited photos and recipes with links to many of those aforementioned food blog sites.

By the middle of that year it appeared that the positive changes might be sustained when Holler won the digital business account. “The incumbent was the Saatchi & Saatchi agency Outside Line, which did not repitch.”

I am happy to think that I might have prodded a company into moral and ethical behaviour which had been seriously lacking under Mr Cauchi’s watch.

Let’s lighten up and move from total tosser to transient tosspot, shall we.

A couple of weeks ago self-confessed pastry deviant, Calum Franklin, was alerted to the very strange apparition of his work on Jason Atherton’s Twitter and Instagram feeds. An odd orangey filter was no barrier to many recognising the achingly careful skills on display in a Holborn Dining Room product. The hashtag #analpastry, although off-putting, does seem appropriate.

Someone always seems to record things for posterity. The offending twit (tweet) captured.

The Twitter alarm bells were heard at The Social Company and all was soon smoothed over. 

Jason Atherton. Embarrassed, contrite, apologetic... hopefully not too apopleptic.

I don't think anyone lost their job over this one but I don't think it's likely to happen again soon.

Right, I'll be busy for the next couple of days. I need to trawl through the posts I've published here over the last three and a half years to check for squeaky-clean attributions, provenances and permissions given... tossers everywhere, you know.